the greatest pants ever or simply great pants

Federer is going to lose to Andy Roddick or Fernando Gonzalez. When have the Swiss ever been dominant in anything besides hiding their national ties to facists, banking, chocolate, and the winter olympics.

I'm not a big Roddick fan now. He was allright until about 3 years ago when he started an unfortunate spiral into being a total power tool. He dated Mandy Moore when she was 17 and won ONE major then basically started mailing it in; bought a house on Lake Travis in Austin and called John Mayer whenever he was in town. He probably won't beat Federer in a major but may have tagged Melissa Joan Hart in her early to mid twenties prime, of which I would be infinitely jealous. Maybe if he gets the big win I'll start pulling for him again.



But Fernando Gonzalez was awesome today against Nadal. I'll be rooting for him for a few reasons. Most important of those is because he plays exactly like I do except at a professional pace. I thought I had invented the run around to make sure and hit the forehand everytime. Nope. Fernando Gonzalez beat me to it. And it is a monster shot. Sort of like playing with Carlos Moya in Virtua Tennis.

The other reason I'm pulling for him is because he is Chilean and Chile is fucking badass. There are literally 1000's of lakes, 3000 miles of Pacific Coast, 6000 meter mountains, zero posionous/dangerous animals and possibly the greatest entrepreneurial achievement I can think of, cafes con piernas.

Gonzalez and his coke head doubles partner won some Olympic medals in '04. On what may have been my first visit to the aforementioned cafe, the local tv news was broadcasting from the central plaza of Concepcion with Gonzalez and Massu on the roof of a hotel I had stayed at a few nights earlier. Excited with the prospect of massive, flag waiving crowds but disappointed with leaving the cafe, we went to go see the Chilean champs stand on a roof, show off their medals and start chants with a bullhorn. And I bought a flag.

"I think there's only one Phoenix Suns, and we rest in the West. And that's how it's going to be for a while."

Not to call out Amare Stoudamire, but seriously, when did people start thinking in marketing cliches? There's nothing quite like the beauty of a good quote. It sound smart. It ends a paragraph! A quote like this is a reporter's triple threat position. Do you take a pun back to describing Amare, maybe go into the game recap portion of the article? All game recap sports writers lack personality.

Wherein lies the general malaise of sports reporting?

There are no solutions. Good writers want to be comedians. Comedians want to be taken seriously. Those who are taken seriously? I just don't know what becomes of them.

I like the courts at the Australian Open, it makes for good tennis...serve returns and rallies but almost always with one side clearly in control. The point is almost always in danger. The lack of extremity just lets Federer roll, because he's only going to lose to a specialist, but that's just what happens when you have a dominant talent.

I dig his personality too, even if he doesn't play himself larger than life and isn't quite marketable.

What do I know anyway

At the supermarket

The removal of one aspect of the chain, even if that aspect of the chain is merely there to signify the closing of the chain, is enough to throw the system into disarray.

Around Houston

I was at the Rockets/Lakers game last week and the crew at Toyota Center introduced Vince Young to the crowd between quarters and pressured him to sign a football, which was thrown into the crowd. Like Mark Cuban will tell you, people in crowds love free shit. Point is, Vince Young looked bored most of the game unless the cheerleaders were performing. However, his posse were fucking amped. Like any good posse should be. They talked on the cell all the time presumably to figure out what was goin in the HOU that night. Here's what just may have happened:

Michelle Williams, of Desinty's Child calls VY and speaks to Mike, of VY's posse.

Mike: Yo this is Crazy Mike.

Michelle Williams: Hey Mike, its me, at least the second most attractive member of Destiny's Child, Michelle Williams. Can I talk to Vincent?

Mike (looks at Vince who is covers his hand with his face and shakes his head): Hey, Vince can't talk during the game, we'll holla at you after, you want to party?

Michelle Williams: Yeah, y'all hangin with Kobe later?

Mike: For sure. Bring some girls. We'll pick you up in the limo.

After the game, in the stretch hummer with VY and posse, Bonzi Wells, Rafer Alston and Chuck Hayes

Bonzi: Let's go to the world famous Harlem Knights.

Crazy Mike: No, we going to get a destiny's child.

Bonzi: Classy. Very Classy.

VY: Hey guys we need to get to Sonic Drive-In before it closes, what ever we do, we do it fast.

Chuck Hayes: Think the Destiny's Child is gonna be mad we're not with Kobe. And that we're going to Sonic.

Rafer: Uh, we did just beat his ass by twenty, girls like winners, and Rafter Alston's a winner.

Limo picks up Michelle Williams + two ho's, they enter. The Ho squads anxious face's become dissapointed when they see Bonzi and Alston.

Ho wispers to Ho, of Alston: He looks like a retarded baby elephant.

Bonzi, to Michelle Williams: Hey Kelly! How's your solo career?

Michelle Williams, ignoring Bonzi: Heeeeeyyy Vince, what are we doing tonight?

VY, while on his cell: We need to go to Sonic.

Michelle: Oh. Ok.

Bonzi, to the ho's: Any of you girls like Pitbulls?

At Sonic, finally

VY, unwrapping double cheeseburger: Yes. This is what I am talking about.

Chuck Hayes answers his cell: Hello

Steve Novak: Yo Chuck, what it do?

Chuck Hayes, with arm around ho: Hey Steve, I'm kind of busy right now.

Steve Novak: Oh yeah. We should pick up some chicks man.

Chuck Hayes: Sorry, gotta hang up.

Crazy Mike: Novak has got to learn.

Steve Novak, to himself: I'm sure glad Bonzi gave me that Rachel Weisz tape of the sex scenes in all her movies today.

Hey there Chiefs, this is Chris Mullin, General Manager of the Warriors. Dougy J informed me that sports blogs don't succeed without outrageous caricatures and he offered me a princely sum of FOUR 7-11 hot dogs to write this weekly column about the state of the Warriors and the NBA in general. And I says, don't you skimp out on the chili and cheese, hey now chief, just because they're free doesn't mean I don't like a whole lot of it.

Sometimes I like the nachos instead of the hot dogs. I bet I can get those nachos too.

Anywho, Dougy J asked me talk a little bit about the major blockbuster trade I made today, with big tubby D. Walsh. It's like those crappy white Powerades that tastes like needles getting shoved into your throat. Somehow 7-11 tries to charge the same as a full Gatorade. Didn't Powerade go out of business like two years ago anyway?

Sorry to upstage my girl Christina Jewett on this story, but this article in the Contra Costa Times over the "Hold your wee for a wii" contest has the ultimate fuck you line I've ever read. So, a woman dies for a punny radio gimmick. And the last line of the article:

In the studio, Ybarra said Strange showed fellow contestants photographs of her two sons and daughter, for whom she was hoping to win the Nintendo Wii. The game console retails for about $250.

HA HA HA HA 250 DOLLARS YOU STUPID BITCH YOU WOULDA BEEN ALIVE IF ONLY YOU HAD SPENT THAT MONEY

I mean seriously that's twisted. That's too twisted to be intentional.

It turns out I don't talk on the phone anymore. I've moved on. Don't we have videophones yet? I swear those were right on the horizon like 10 years ago. That's bullshit if you ask me. And where are secret passageways? The internet is nice but seriously science needs to get off its ass. Everybody's theoretical nowadays. Let's live in the present, I say.

The latest from Keith "Palahniuk" Olbermann

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16583889/

I'm not sure what is more presumptious, writing a political column as if it is your direct line to the president, or doing it while auditioning your new poetic orator persona. Guessing how many rhetorical questions he asks in this article is like guessing how many jelly beans are in a big glass jar. 53? 118? You try to figure it out mathematically but the numbers inevitably get all screwed up.

Here's an important post to a new blog

The quick second update, as if I will keep up with things like this, an amazing story (though the article itself sorta brushes over the actual reporting, most likely because of red tape) that comes from a different political angle I never follow. But you gotta throw these in to have mainstream appeal. I feel like I need at least 20% hardcore appeal to turn a profit here.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16612926/page/

Ok, so this is obviously a blog that I will forget in three posts, but I had to claim this name before it got too hot. That's called early adapter.

Dan Reeves is a good announcer, a hilarious version of being dumb. At one point he was like "Well, it's Deuce McAllister's birthday three days from now. And it's Greg Brown's birthday today! I bet he'll want to have a good birthday!" That other guy is a great announcer, the next Marv Albert right down to the freakish sexual habits. The way each play faithfully rises to no climax is the exhaling of sexual frustration of a man who can only get off by wearing only women's bracelets and having a transexual debate sex toys.

The cable debate continues.